3N Resident Gains Hipster Fame

Well, it's good to see that some NYU students are accomplishing something over break...

While, I sit on my computer making a new post to boost my internet fame, a certain 3N cutie got her picture on The Cobra Snake! This resident is always lookin' adorable and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm totally jealz of her cuteness!

http://thecobrasnake.com/partyphotos/helloecho/IMG_7735.html


Perfect as usual, girl...

Asians in the Cyard & Pete Wentz is Straight?!

The courtyard is awfully quiet these days, given the lack of drunk baffoons filtering in at all hours of the night. Currently, our beloved common place has become a gathering location for groups of asians. Similar to the happenings over Thanksgiving break, the nights seem to bring out herds of our eastern brothers and sisters. What they are discussing has yet to be determined.


In other news, our beloved Pete Wentz has blown our minds (but surprisingly not our penises) once again! Video footage of this pop star shows him in the act of making love to - believe it or not - a woman! As seen on the video, the boy likes it rough. Is this all a clever ploy or has our NoTo resident finally chosen the straighter path? Decide for yourself.



Wrap Your Tool,
DSL

PS. For Christmas (or Hanukkah or whatever you all feel like celebrating), I'm asking Santa to send everyone a great big sense of humor.

We Get It, You're "Cool"...Now Can You Please Shut Up

After leaving the Third North dormitory to return home for winter break, something seemed to missing from my life. Besides having no classes, my daily routine was the same- and then I realized what was missing was the gaggle of loud-mouthed students who paraded around the dorm flaunting their affinity for wine and nose candy. The "courtyard crew", as they have so aptly named themselves, can be seen any time any day and it is a guarantee that they are in an altered state of mind. That's all fine, hey it's college and people are going to party. But Jesus I'm sick of hearing those loud-mouthed bitches talk about how much drugs they use. Some quotes I've collected over the weeks include:

"I'm not addicted to drugs, I'm addicted to glamor."

"Ugh, I love a post-line cigarette."

"We're such coke heads...omg I love it."

I'm not asking for these people to stop whatever it is they're doing, I just don't want to hear about it anymore. No one thinks you're cool because you do drugs and party every night of the week-so stop trying so hard it's really unbecoming.

Merry mutha-fucking Christmas,
Dat Smoker Bitch

and p.s. big ups to my home girl J-L Spears, she know where it's at. And don't worry if her baby loses it's pacifier it's okay she got 3 more, and her baby is going to dress in designer clothes, and she can't afford them it's okay she'll just stel em.

Diarist Confirms Sexuality

Our lovable suspected asexual diarist may not be so asexual after all... It has been reported that this diarist recently hooked up with a certain Texan Cowgirl. Over the previous weekend, this droopy-eyed writer spent an entire night with the Cowgirl - a night filled with stolen glances, hinting nudges, and the sweet smell of Mary Jane in the air. The night came to a climax when our lethargic hero took a chance and made his move. According to our source, bodies were pushed against the wall, lips touched, limbs entertwined, he was masculine, she was fourceful, and sparks flew. It is questionable whether or not he fell asleep for a period of time during the hook-up (which would not come as a suprise), but we do know that he celebrated his achievement with a nice long sleep. I do hope the Cowgirl enjoyed her ride.

So goodbye "suspected asexual diarist" and hello "very heterosexual man of the hour."

...However, we do have some evidence to show that he may be able to reproduce by splitting.


Wrap Your Tool,
DSL

Dear Haterz

We began this column with the intention of having fun. That is all. Anyone who does not realize that some (aka all) of these stories are exaggerated, falsified, etc. should note that we have no intention to present ourselves as a legitimate news source. Stories involving rule breaking (especially those involving student/staff relationships) are very unfortunately untrue. (As if that girl could ever snag hot janitors numbers 1-3). This blog does also not exist to slander, defame, etc. any individuals mentioned within the posts. It is purely for entertainment purposes--we're not CNN for Christ's sake! Think of us more as Fox News...

XOXO,
The Onion of Third North a.k.a. Grape Dutchess & Co.

P.S. Stories about Zac Efron are true, as you probably know. Vanessa Hudgens, please stop sending us hate mail because we're doing this for your own good, girl.
P.P.S. Jamie Lynn, though you are a whore, you are still doing a lot better than Brit Brit. Keep up the good work.

Aspire To Grapeness

Happy fucking Holidays everyone...try not to get into too much trouble over the break.

(though, let's be honest, it's more fun for everyone when you do)
xoxo Cinderella of the North

Tis the Season to Lose Your Virginity?

December, known for its abundance of holiday cheer, may have a new reputation with the large amount of V-Card swipings that occurred this month. Two 3N residents may have earned themselves spots on the naughty list with their shocking losses of innocence. Grape Dutchess favorite, the Pete Wentz look-alike, and a previously prim and proper young lady, were swiped by another 3N resident and a deathly thin NYU sophomore, respectively. These recent events suggest that the respectable young lady might not be the lady we thought she was, while that Pete Wentz look-alike is, in fact, the homo that we thought he was!

Ho Ho Ho!

XOXO,
The Grape Dutchess

THIS JUST IN:
A certain fair lady from the West Coast was also recently swiped by a special man from back home.

December, you whore of a month!

Who’s Frontin’ Now?

A certain Third North character known for his skinny jeans, purple beanie, and sunglasses at all hours, has been going through some major changes in his life. What’s the deal with the transformations that has been occurring? Are there deeper problems at hand or is this all maybe just a character made up for our entertainment? Let’s take a look shall we?

Today: This filmmaker has been reported for not having slept for days straight, recently. He can be seen clad in long johns, “gold” chains, and a parka. No pants. No shirt. His signature beanie and glasses are MIA. Along with the lack of sleep, he has apparently limited his showers to once in a blue moon. Perhaps he has gone green and is looking to conserve water. Nevertheless, it has been rumored that his roommate has complained about the odor he now carries with him and has resulted to spraying the room with Febreeze whenever he gets the opportunity. Could this all be the effects of over-work and stress? Or is this simply what happens when one skis too frequently? Bini Sen, we aren’t in the Alps.

A month ago: Everyone grew to love (or at least tolerate) the eccentric hip-hop genius. He was easily recognized by his unique choice of clothing. As the school year started, he began with fitted caps. He later moved on to his infamous purple ski-cap and glasses. He loved matching colorful prints and oversized jackets with his skin-tight jeans, cuffed up to show off his awesome kicks. Yes, he was crazy. Yes, he was the embodiment of a gangsta rainbow. But he looked healthier then. Dare I say happier?

Pre-NYU: This fashionisto is not to be taken for granted. The Bini Sen of these days was one who sported an emo-cut, tight hoodies, studded belts, and not-so-tight jeans. In fact, he was a big fan of the “MySpace photo.” The photo shown was taken just over a year ago. Not only was his look different but so were his tastes. He did not emphasize his gangsta roots then. According to his 1up.com profile, he lists Badly Drawn Boy, Radiohead, White Stripes, and Queen under his favorite music, among others. Now, I’m not chastising him for being eclectic. It’s quite admirable actually. However, it wasn’t only his taste in music that was different, but also his beliefs. Facebook comments left earlier this year hint that he might not have been a very tolerant person. We have all heard his catch-phrase: “No homo.” Could this possibly be remnants of the days when he disapproved of homosexuals?



Whatever the case, we have a different person living with us today. Perhaps he has become more tolerant. Perhaps he has embraced his gangsta heritage. Perhaps he has a fear of sleep. Or perhaps this is all a front. Who is the real Bini Sen? I cannot say whether he is “for real” or just putting on a show. But personally, I don’t think there’s any coincidence that his initials are BS.


Wrap Your Tool,
DSL

Courtyard Howls and Party Fouls

As people may have noticed, the 11th Street entrance to our beloved dorm is now decorated with the likes of streamers and purple Aztec-like parrots. Just in case you aren't in the loop with the happenings of 3N, this is all because of the recent FYRE Olympics. On Saturday afternoon - far too early for anyone to be alive - a group of fanatic students were seen congregated in the courtyard. Wearing very war-enthused ensembles and branded with purple parrot tees, you might guess that they were about to kick some ass... if it weren't for the fact that most of these kids looked like the least likely bunch to do so. Heading the team was bespectacled NoTo resident EP (who is usually seen hanging posters that no one reads) and the curly-haired SoTo Southerner KG (usually seen lounging in the CoHo with RAs). As many spectators looked on at the crowd of crazies – meant completely as a term of endearment - doubt loomed in our heads that we'd win the FYRE Olympics… but then we realized we didn't really care.

HOWEVER, we did in fact beat out all the other freshman dorms on Saturday, once again bringing the trophy to sit in the lobby of 3N gathering dust until this process repeats itself next year. Bravo, team.

Following the win, 3N hosted a dance party in the bunker we refer to as C3. I myself was not able to attend this festive gathering, but from what I have heard, not many people did either. In fact, I don’t think many people even knew about (or cared about) the gathering occurring right under their feet. Apparently the partiers consisted of only a handful of randoms. However, I did hear that the DJ and his mixes were quite good. It’s so unfortunate that a party went to waste. Suggestion: Next time get the word out. Maybe I’ll promote these things on this blog next time - since it seems like a greater amount of people read this than the number of those who were actually present at the event.

Wrap Your Tool,
DSL

Bar Harbor Invades Manhattan

If you were wondering why Third North’s courtyard seemed a little quieter than usual this past Saturday night, look no farther. We here at the Grape Dutchess have heard a rumor that eight of your favorite loud-mouthed East Village residents finally ventured away from those purple tables to go wreak havoc around Manhattan. They were spotted taking over a miniscule Irish dive bar at 14th St. and Avenue A in the late evening, eliciting more than a few glances from the long-haired, flannel wearing regulars. As the Yeah Yeah Yeahs blasted from the jukebox, the Maine natives hovered, Marlboros in hand, around the table at the back. For hours they danced, drank, and tried vainly to sing out of throats black from smoke. The two black-clad brunettes were seen further up the bar, flirting with a certain Uncle Arny, at least 40 years their senior, and Mr. Clinton, a slightly psychotic 30-something with an apparent penchant for the girls buying round after round of Smirnoff shots. With the amount of tequila downed by the are-they-or-aren’t-they couple from the Orient (thanks to the Solo-cup sized shots poured by the bartender, who obviously knew these kids far too well), you might have guessed they were in the tropics, but alas the snowy weather indicated otherwise.

After more than a few drunken phone calls, attempted hookups, and free drinks, the group of supposed AA candidates headed home to disturb their respective roommates and prepare for a long Sunday of recovery.

Infinite X's and O's,
Cinderella of the North

No Homo, No ID

A little over a week ago, a new swipe-in swipe-out system was installed in every dorm (including Third Avenue North) at New York University and the effects of this ultra-tight security system have proved devastating for those with no ID. Spotted conversing softly with guards last Tuesday: loudly dressed and infamous Third-Norther Bini-Kix Sen. This renowned writer, freestyler, and fashion icon known most for his color-matching skills apparently was without ID and so was forced to explain to the security desk why he could not swipe in or swipe out. Reason for NO-ID: unknown. Punishment: could've been bad. But thanks to a close and personal relationship with certain Russian guards, Bini-Kix was able to walk free.
Mr. Sen is not the only one having trouble with this new swipe system. Long-haired MK idolizer, BB Gun was seen trying to sneak out of the 12th street entrance without her ID card. This blunt-rolling, hippie-loving diva, knowing for wearing head-to-toe American Apparel and see-through tights with no pants, was spotted being chastised by angry guards a week ago for not having her ID. Though she has since relocated it, BB was apparently humiliated by this scene at the 12th street entrance and now vows to never be without her ID card.

Coincidentally, losing their IDs is not the only thing these two infamous 3rdNorthers have in common. Rumor has it, they also spent an entire night together a few weeks ago, hanging out all over Third North. Sources say the two were spotted canoodling in front of the East Tower, splitting a cig on a courtyard bench, and eventually entering the SoTo elevators (where BB lives). While the accuracy of these allegations is still being checked, several eyewitnesses have already testified that these two crazies have indeed spent quite a lot of time together over the past month. Could it be love? Is it just friendship? Or could it be merely a shared love of skiing... ahem. Don't worry. Looking into it. Haaard.

Love always,
supercut cracKhouse

three cokeheads, two packs of cigarettes, one courtyard

Earlier this evening our sources spotted three of NYU's most noted smokers chatting in the courtyard of the third north residence. An eclectic group this trio was: one toothpick, sneaker-loving, perpetually wearing sunglasses film student, one Free City adorned, skinny ass Stern bitch, and one blonde, banged, boot obsessed Gallatin whore. One might ask what these people might possibly be talking about on a Sunday night, and, we can certainly tell you they're not discussing current events. It appears that these chimneys all participate in an...extra-curricular activity that involves a heavy nose and cardiac excercise. I guess it explains why their hands shake as they reach for the next Marlboro, or why they can't stand still for one second, or why they have a constant sniffle, and even why they have gotten a collective 14 hours of sleep since the start of the semester. The addicts are also rumored to have gone to a romantic dinner at an Indian restaurant earlier this week-menage a trois anyone? Our investigators were able to track down the bill from that night and as expected they shared three beers, a bottle of champagne, and a side salad. Their waitor divulged that they left numerous times for cigarettes and only ate one tomato. Looks like our previous Rubin Hall ski enthusiast isn't the only one at NYU having a white Christmas.

We'll keep you updated on the groups next (frantic) moves, as we have a feeling the story is only going to get better. And we here at the Grape Dutchess are taking it upon ourselves to take CPR classes so that when one of them collapses from a heart attack we can save them.

Peace, love, and all things purple,
Dat Smoker Bitch

Skier Spotting

That very special winter sports enthusiast was spotted leaving 3N this evening. Did someone at third north answer his craigslist ad? Did someone actually answer his ad??

Bitches and Birthday Bash Blunts

SPOTTED:

earlier tonight, a certain mark-ruffalo-look-alike was seen being pulled across the courtyard from the north tower where he resides to some unknown location in the east tower. two girls led the way, shouting out navigational commands: tall blonde had his left arm, shorter, rounder brunette had his right. he was wearing merely a sweater with undershirt and looked like he had slipped on a pair of slip-ons, without even the time to put on a pair of socks. there was a fake burberry scarf, which looked like it was made out of felt, wrapped around his head to prevent this mark-ruffalo-look-alike from determining his final destination, which was clearly supposed to remain mysterious to the rumored birthday boy.

the three were spotted later smoking a usual cigarette in the courtyard. if the cause of all these shananigans was the celebration of mark-ruffalo-look-alike's nineteenth birthday, well, you can now legally drink in parts of canadia, mark ruffalo. we shall now refer to the look-alike as "mark ruffalo".

happy birthday dear mark ruffalo

these bitches is crazy.

<3 alice rabbit

P.S.

mark ruffalo is famed for his role in "thirteen going on thirty" as jennifer garner's character's best friend/lover. he should have gotten an award for his performance in that ever-so-moving flick.

New Vocab

Get your pencils ready kids, it's time for a vocabulary lesson. The word of the week (wotw) is ZEFERENCE, meaning any direct or indirect reference to sex god and recently outed homosexual Zac Efron. For example: "Dude, you are so sexy I could do you on the East High basketball court. Did you catch that Zeference?" Learn it. Live it. Love it.



xoxo
Gossip Gay

Looking for Love On All the Wrong Websites

It seems like the search for love is a craze that is spreading through the dorms of NYU. A certain latin lover (who was previously linked with an unnamed Brittany Hall JAP) residing in Rubin recently posted a personal ad in search for his true love - cocaine. The posting described this hispanic hottay as "18/145 lbs/very good looking/latino/5'11." With stats like that, it's surprising he has yet to find true love. When this ad was discovered, we sent a team of private investigators to authenticate its validity.

See here as we have come to the conclusion that the picture matches with actual ones of the individual from his personal webpage.



As you can see, the shape of the nose in the picture is a direct match with that of the picture below. The clothes and sunglasses seem to have been purchased at the same stores. Even the other individual in this picture has her head cocked in the same manner. In fact, the team of photographic researchers have come to the conclusion that the two are actually the exact same picture, except the one above has been cropped slightly to hide its true identity. A clever move, one must agree.



By the way this personal ad is titled, we can infer that this "18yo" is "looking for hot ski male." He then goes on to state that he will "deffinetly [sic] accomodate your needs" if he finds " a dude to ski w[ith]." He writes, "i want to experiment, and by that i mean every kind of way."
One might find it unusual that he is looking to ski in a city like New York. However, our personal linguists have deduced that "ski" is a slang term meaning "to snort cocaine," according to urbandictionary.com.

In conclusion, after days of tiresome research, we have uncovered that this latin lover is only in search for love - something that the rest of us all long for. I applaud his courage in the face of adversity. I do hope he finds the coke love that he longs for.


Wrap Your Tool,
DSL

Blonde Vixen a Blonde Whore

Just a day after she was spotted departing for a late-night canoodling sesh with a certain troll-like diarist, the Blonde Vixen was seen spitting game to Hot Janitor #2 in the elevator.

A close source also overheard BlondeVix recently taunting an adorable brunette, DBgirl, about DB's janitor boyfriend. "I already tapped dat shit," she said, as Hot Janitor #1 passed in the c-yard. Damn! Why so greedy, BV?

SAD Looking for Love

One blonde vixen in the East Tower was seen leaving a room party with the suspected asexual diarist (SAD) tonight. She then refused to answer text messages questioning her whereabouts, according to a one source. Though there are suspicions of a possible late-night kanoodling session, this snow white beauty might not be his cup of tea. We have dug up a Craig's List Personal Ad that was most likely submitted by the sensative diarist.

READ HERE!!

Let's just say, he likes his women like he likes his coffee....



Wrap Your Tool,
DSL

On The Scene: The C-Yard

Spotted: Hipster Heartbreaker, KP, chatting with Dykey McDykerson about a certain suitmaker from the Far East. Is there love in the air? or war?

XOXO,
Gossip Gay


P.S. Nice bangs KP.

Maintanence Staff and Student In Interracial Relationship

A 3N resident of Asian descent is rumoured to be in a relationship with a maintenance staff member. This sexi mexi was smitten by the NYU freshman, formerly rumoured to be dating a certain Pete Wentz look alike. The two were spotted doing the old-in-out in the second floor trash room. Will this finally convince Pete to come out of the closet?

Love and Kisses,
The Grape Dutchess

Missing Items Found in C3 Study Lounge?

This morning, in the early pre-dawn hours in New York, NY, in the little-known-about Study Lounge on floor C3 of Third Avenue North, a series of items recently believed stolen were found stuffed in between two oddly-stained couch cushions. The items disappeared from the East Tower around one week ago, and have been dearly missed.

"I'm pissed," says one crazy bitch who's 100-dollar bill was taken from her many nights ago.
"I'm pissed," says another crazy bastard about a hat he lost in someone's pillows recently.




These two items, along with several others, were found this morning on C3. Third North security officers and janitorial staff members have no leads in the investigation, but according to inside source DBgirl, who apparently has a close and personal relationship with one particular janitor, the investigation is underway and the criminal will soon be caught.
we keep you updated.
reporting live from new york new york, zip code 10003,

peace,

supercut cracKhouse.

Throw Down!

Spotted: Angry dyke blowing a gasket at personal assistant. Reason? Cold coffee, Late Sandwich. Rumour has it that asexual diarist responsible for the delay. Apparently, he took a detour on St. Marks for a new tool to satisfy his drug induced stupor. Is there truth in these allegations? Only time will tell.



XOXO,
Gossip Gay

Blind (Lesbian?) Item

I guess now that Zac is offic. out of the closet, many others will follow suit! Starting with unidentified Third North hottie with a new butch haircut. This c-yard frequenter chopped 7+ inches off of her trademark mane. Could these dykey locks be an indicator of a love for clam licking? She sure hasn't been spotted with a male of the straight persuasion in quite some time...Then again who has? This is NYU afterall!

Please alert us of any spottings of c-yard hottay with any flannel wearing carpet munchers!

XOXO,
The Grape Dutchess

Zac Efron Confirms Love For Texting, Penis

NYU erupted with joy today after Zefron confirmed his (blatant) homosexuality via a series of text messages photographed from a BlackBerry belonging to a source close to the homo himself. However, that is not all that was revealed by these scandalous pics! According to the messages, Vanessa Hudgens is also with child...not Zac's obviously, due to the fact he can't get it up for her [Baby] V.

PICS WILL BE POSTED SOON.

Hugz N Luv,
The Grape Dutchess